What a £300 racket will not do for you

On Monday a man I've been coaching since March turned up holding a racket that cost more than my first car. Took it out of what looked like a violin case. Said he'd "done a lot of research".

He has not done a lot of research. He has watched a lot of videos.

So, for him, and for whoever's reading this with a basket open on a website, here's what a £300 racket will not do for you.

1. It will not move your feet. Your feet were the problem in March. They are the problem now. The racket has no opinion on your feet.
2. And while we're on feet, try moving them side to side, and forwards and back as well.
3. I kept telling you in March, you've got to hit the ball as it rises. The racket won't do that either.
4. It will not turn up to the lesson. Missed three in October. The racket didn't come either.
5. It will not get you a game. Most people I coach play once a week, with me, and then wonder why they don't improve. Hit balls with other people. Lots of them. Any racket will do.
6. It will not give you a second serve. Your second serve is your first serve, really, because that's the one that has to go in. Practise it until it does. Maybe come back to me then.
7. It will not stop your partner glaring at you when you fire it into the back of their head.
8. And, as I said before, you need to play more games.

That's it. That's the list. Eight things. Could have been seventeen.

In my day you had one racket. Wood. Your dad's, usually, with tape on the handle where he'd broken it. You played with it until it warped, and then you played with it warped, and you got better because you played. Not because of the racket. Because you played.

I'm not saying don't buy one. It's your money. I'm saying the thing that makes you better costs a lot less than £300 and you can get it every week. It's called playing more tennis. Matches. Against people who'll beat you. Then again against people you might beat.

Anyway. He hit with it for an hour on Monday.

You didn't ask for my advice, but here it is. If you're going to spend £300, buy two rackets at £150 each. There's nothing more annoying than snapping a string on your first serve of the first game and then not having a racket to finish with.

Still not worth £300.